When Being Resilient Becomes Exhausting

“You’re so strong.”

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“You’re so good at bouncing back.”

“I know you’ll figure this out.”

“You are so pro-active.”

“You have so much self-control.”

“You are so resilient.”

These statements can all be true AND being resilient over and over again can also be incredibly exhausting. I think that is the side of resilience that is often not seen or talked about. People mean well when they are encouraging and they see and speak to your strength. But there is also a hard and exhausting side to that experience, and that part is often overlooked.

Sometimes, we are required to be resilient in really big ways: coping with the end of a significant relationship, getting through a health crisis, navigating a job loss. Within those experiences though, there are also all of these smaller moments that require resilience too. Take a break-up for example: A person going through that is not only coping with the loss of the relationship itself, but is also having to make a lot of decisions about communication, living arrangements, finances, possible custody concerns, pets, etc. Within those things are layers of smaller decisions that can feel really difficult during a tough time: What do I eat today, how do I spend this holiday, do I respond to that text, and so many more. All of those decisions not only involve coming to a conclusion, but also often involve adjusting your frame of mind too. Transition periods are like a roller coaster, full of twists and turns, many of which you don’t have control over. Here comes another unexpected twist, now figure out how to handle it, feel upset, but then reframe it and find a way to move forward again. And do this over and over and over. Of course you are going to feel exhausted.

When Being Resilient Becomes Exhausting, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

You are allowed to feel tired of being resilient. You are allowed to resent having to constantly bounce back. You are allowed to hit a wall where you don’t want to reframe anymore, you don’t want to pivot, you don’t want to be “strong.” It’s okay to have days where you just feel frozen or tired or stuck in the negative. That is part of the process of being resilient and moving forward. Resilience involves not suppressing any of your feelings, even the hard ones where you might want to give up or wallow in the shitiness of it all. Letting yourself do that is not only allowed, it is necessary. It is part of the journey of moving forward. It is NOT going backwards and it is NOT getting stuck. Having days where you feel sick of being resilient is part of the process that IS taking you forward.

So, next time you hit a wall where you just feel exhausted from having to be so resilient over and over again, have grace with yourself. Allow the frustration, fatigue, and resentment to wash over you. Those feelings are a true part of the process. It sucks to go through periods in life where it feels like all you are doing is trying to bounce back over and over again. If you don’t make any overt progress on something for a few days, that’s okay. Trust yourself that you will rally. You will reframe and move forward in ways you can see again. In the meantime, remind yourself that being resilient is exhausting and sometimes you just need to rest.

I have been there many times. I know what it feels like to have to depend on yourself to be strong and to keep going, but to also reach points where you just want to say, “I’m done. I’m done picking myself up over and over again.” I sit in the muck for a few days or sometimes even a few weeks, and then I notice that one day, I wake up and I am just ready again. I am ready to reframe the hard parts, to ground myself in a helpful mindset, to make the next set of decisions, and to keep building a life that I feel proud of. So, I want you to know that I see your resilience, and I also see how exhausting it is. I see you striving to move forward while also feeling drained and over it. And I believe in your ability to take breaks and to just feel all of the hard parts for a while. Allowing yourself to feel the really hard parts and to pause and rest is also strength. Sitting in the hard days is resilience too.