Dreams & Nightmares During Times of Transition

If you are going through a break-up or divorce, then you are already dealing with enough and the last thing you probably need is an increase in vivid dreams or nightmares. However, that is a common thing to experience during times of major transition. The dreams can feel like unwelcome intruders, especially if you are already struggling with other sleep issues too.

While this experience is unwelcome and can feel like another burden to deal with during an already difficult time, dreams do serve an important function. There is usually so much your brain is trying to process during a time like this, that it is impossible to truly process all the material consciously and during waking hours. When we go to sleep, our defense mechanisms are lowered. So, while your defense mechanisms are likely working overtime during the day as a way of helping you to function during a break-up, they are also keeping you from fully processing all of the things you are feeling and trying to make sense of. Once you are asleep and the defense mechanisms are lowered, your subconscious continues working to try and process what you are experiencing. This is important work for helping you to consolidate the experience and move forward.

Some dreams are obvious- you might have nightmares about actual things that you are experiencing as part of the end of your relationship. Another thing that can happen though, is dreaming about past experiences that have a similar emotional tone. For instance, maybe you felt betrayed by your partner- you might start having dreams about other incidents in your life when you also felt betrayed. This can feel like a double whammy because, now not only are you trying to process your break-up, but you are also dreaming about other difficult times in your life. It can be helpful to understand what your brain is doing. It isn’t trying to make your life harder; it is just trying to consolidate and basically categorize your experiences. It is pairing like with like. While understanding what is happening doesn’t change the toll this can take, it can sometimes help with being accepting of the process.

Dreams & Nightmares During Times of Transition, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

I remember that during my divorce, I had nightmares every night for the next 6 months. After about 6 months, they started to subside and at least weren’t occurring every single night. I would wake up feeling intense emotions stemming from the nightmares and then have to shake it off so that I could go into work and function well at my job. At first, I resented this and tried to do things like journaling more, in hopes of decreasing the nightmares. I’m sure the journaling helped in other ways, but the frequency of the nightmares didn’t change. The thing that ultimately helped the most was to accept that I was going through more than my conscious mind could process and to quit rallying against the nightmares. Instead, I accepted that they would happen as long as was necessary and I turned my attention towards what I could control, which was developing a better morning routine. I started waking up about 20 minutes earlier each morning and dragging myself out of bed even though I felt emotionally hung over and tired. It was winter and cold, so I developed the soothing routine of wrapping up in a fuzzy robe and sitting under a soft blanket on the couch while I drank my morning tea. The cats would hop up on the couch and join me, and I would just allow myself to come down from the emotions of the nightmares while I drank my tea. If I needed to, I would do some journaling during that time as well. Then, I would proceed with getting ready for the workday. This small change in my morning routine allowed me to build in time to come down from the impact of the nightmares and to start my day feeling more grounded. Did I like having nightmares? No, but instead of using my energy to rail against them, I shifted my energy towards adapting.

If you are struggling with increased vivid dreams or nightmares during the end of a romantic relationship, then I hope this article has helped you to understand what is happening. Your brain is not trying to make your life even harder- it is simply trying to help you process something too overwhelming to fully grasp consciously. Increased understanding can help with acceptance. I encourage you to focus on what you can control by thinking of ways to allow yourself to ease into your day in a soothing way.