Yes, Relationships Take Work, But When Is It Too Much?

We all grow up hearing these things:

“Relationships take work.”

“No relationship is perfect.”

“Every relationship has its problems.”

And these are all true….to a degree, and that is the part that I think isn’t talked about enough. Relationships do take work, but what if one person is working way harder than the other person and that isn’t changing? No relationship is perfect, but what are the things you tolerate as problems versus the things that are dealbreakers? Every relationship has problems, but what happens when the problems become too big? What is the difference between problems that can be worked on versus problems that will be perpetual and really matter regarding the quality of your life? Sometimes, people end up staying in relationships that aren’t right for them for way too long because of belief systems like these. It’s time we start thinking about these things more critically and feeling more confident about what really matters and when to draw the line.

Dealbreakers:

What is a dealbreaker for one person might not be for someone else. For example, one person might be okay with yelling being a part of communication patterns in their relationship, while for someone else, that is a complete dealbreaker. It is less about what other people choose to tolerate and more about getting really honest with yourself about what your dealbreakers are. Take some time to make a list and really think through things like:

What ruins your sense of peace?

What would create chronic anxiety for you in a relationship?

What have you witnessed in other relationships or experienced in your own past relationships that you swore would never be a part of your life?

What type of dynamics lead to you feeling bad about yourself?

What situations tend to bring out the worst sides of you instead of your best?

Yes, Relationships Take Work, But When Is It Too Much?, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

Use these questions to start formulating a list of what your dealbreakers are and then use this as a template to measure your relationships. If you notice that you are putting up with things that you have identified as dealbreakers for yourself, then that is a signal to really start doing some reflection. It is a sign that you may have gotten used to and over-adapted to circumstances that you will regret staying in later. It can be helpful to talk this out with a trusted friend or therapist to get some more insight into what might be going on. Don’t think of it as a signal that you “should be” leaving the relationship now- instead, think of it as a signal that it would be valuable to get curious about what might be going on so that you can make a more clear decision.

Fairness:

Between the invisible mental load that is carried, the tasks of maintaining a family and household, and trying to attend to individual needs, no relationship will ever feel completely 50/50. Ideally, there is an atmosphere of striving for fairness and balance. There will be times when one partner is handling more and other times when that baton is passed. It is normal to have conversations sometimes about who is doing what and ways to shift the way the balance is feeling. What is more of a problem is when a relationship is perpetually unfair. There are many ways this can look: It might be one person carrying way more of the mental and logistical load and the other person not seeming to care or being willing to change when it is discussed; it can look like one partner doing all of the work to try and keep the relationship on a healthy path while the other partner is complacent; or it can be as extreme as being gaslit when trying to discuss issues of inequality in the relationship. Feelings of things being unfair in a relationship are to be expected at times, but what to pay attention to is how your partner reacts when you bring it up and whether anything changes. Yes, relationships take work, but one partner shouldn’t be doing all of it.

Impact on Who You Are:

We all have parts of ourselves that we don’t love or are working to change. Maybe it is struggling with motivation sometimes or maybe it is our reaction to feelings of anger. In contrast, we all know what it feels like when we are functioning at our best- those times in life when you feel like you are on a roll and are proud of yourself. A person’s romantic relationship has a huge impact on everything, including the sides of you it brings out. In a healthy dynamic, most of the time, you hope to bring out the best in each other. So, pay attention to it if you notice that the worst sides of you are frequently coming out in your romantic relationship. Again, this doesn’t immediately mean that you should run for the hills, but it is a signal for some reflection. A romantic relationship should enhance who you are and how your life feels, not bring out the worst sides of you and feel like a barrier to who you want to be. So, take some time to reflect on how you feel when you are around your partner.

When is the work too much? What kinds of problems are worth staying for versus which ones are dealbreakers? Nothing is perfect, but what is good enough? These are complex questions without easy answers, but don’t let trite messages about these things keep you from really examining the truth of what you might be tolerating. Reflect on what your dealbreakers are, think about what fairness and balance feel like in the relationship, and take stock of how you feel and what sides of you come out around your partner. Use these as some guideposts as you continue to strive for clarity around your relationship. Adopt some new beliefs:

All relationships take work, but not too much and not all on one person.

No relationship is perfect, but it is okay to have standards.

Every relationship has its problems, but some problems are dealbreakers.