Healthy Positivity vs Toxic Positivity

Most of you have probably heard the term “toxic positivity.” It has become a frequently used term in pop culture in recent years. Toxic positivity refers to the idea that ONLY positive thoughts and emotions are allowed to exist. It gets at this idea that it is only acceptable to see the glass as half full and to shift quickly into finding the positive about everything. Toxic positivity leads to a lack of tolerance for emotions like sadness, defeat, discouragement, anger, shame, etc. You are supposed to bounce back right away. You are supposed to perk up. Feeling stuck or down is not allowed. And that is toxic. That is cutting off valuable parts of the human experience and encouraging suppression, which doesn’t work in the long run.

Sometimes the glass isn’t half full. Sometimes it’s definitely half empty, or all the way empty, or the glass is fucking shattered into a million pieces on the ground. That can be real too, and that is okay. Sometimes, in order to get to a point where we can pick up the pieces of glass, throw them away, and get out a new glass, first requires sitting in the middle of the mess on the floor and crying for a while.

Healthy Positivity vs Toxic Positivity, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

We can’t skip the part where we feel the hard things too. The full range of feelings matter and are useful. I know this is a very therapist-ey thing to say, but all of the emotions tell us something important. When we try to shove down and suppress certain feelings, whether it is because they make us feel uncomfortable, or because we have been given messages that we are supposed to be positive, it just becomes like a game of whack-a-mole. Those feelings will keep trying to pop back up. And if you get really good at suppressing them, then they will start coming up in physical ways instead. It is important to acknowledge the messy parts. If the glass breaks and a piece cuts a big gash in your hand, you don’t just stand there bleeding and say, “I’m fine. Everything is fine. It’s all going to be okay. I wanted a new set of glasses anyway.” No- you stop and freak out for a minute. You ruminate about whether you can just use bandages or maybe need to go to urgent care, etc. You cry if the cut hurts. You mourn the loss if it was your favorite glass.

And then, eventually, once you are bandaged up, you wipe the tears from your face, and you slowly start picking up the pieces of glass. You take a deep breath and carefully check the floor for any pieces you might have missed. Even as you get out a new glass, you are allowed to still feel sad or mad about the broken one. Even if, over time, you start to feel excited about picking out some new glassware, you still allow the waves of sadness or loss to wash over you whenever you feel them. Healthy positivity comes when a person feels validated in the hard emotions and in the scary, difficult thoughts. When we feel seen and heard, both by ourselves and others, then that is when we can also start to allow in hope, relief, excitement, and moments of happiness. The key word is “also.” When it comes to thoughts and emotions, it’s not “either/or,” it’s “and.” With healthy positivity, you are allowed to feel and think things that don’t feel so positive, AND have moments where you can see the positive side of things as well. Healthy positivity is seeing those rays of light as they shine through the window while you are sitting in the kitchen floor surrounded by broken glass. You might not notice the rays of light at first; maybe as you’re cleaning up the glass, you find that you are noticing them more and more.

So, if you are trying to find the positive side of things and it feels too forced, then there are likely other emotions that you need to feel validated in first. Stop trying to make yourself feel positive and sit in the muck for a while instead. Ask yourself about all of the difficult things you are feeling. Honor those feelings and then check in with yourself about the positive and see if it starts feeling a little easier to include those emotions too. If someone else is trying to get you to shift into the positive too soon, just tell them that you’re not quite there yet and you are trying to just meet yourself where you are right now. Honoring all of the parts is what’s healthy.