When Its Not Your Job To Do Their Growth

Relationships aren't always fair and talk only gets a person so far. Sometimes, one person is a lot more action-oriented or introspective than the other. Change is hard and there are many reasons why someone might talk about changing, but then not take action on it. The "benefit of the doubt" version of why this can happen is that the person truly means what they are saying in the moment, but then they don't end up putting forth the effort to actually make the changes happen. The more sinister version of this is when a person uses their words to convince you that they will change, with the goal of keeping you around or confusing you, and then they ultimately have no intention of really changing. Either way, the end result is the same: You have talked and talked about something, stated what you need or how something is impacting you, and then nothing is changing.

One thing that can feel confusing is when you find yourself feeling better after the conversations despite the fact that the pattern tells you nothing is likely to change. Having a conversation where you state how you feel and the other person agrees to do something different, leads to positive feelings: hope, feeling heard and understood, relief at getting the conversation over with. The problem is that this positive feeling is often fleeting and soon will fade when, yet again, the person doesn’t actually change anything. The negative feelings of frustration start to set in again…. And you may have another talk. Then the cycle continues. The positive feelings after the conversation can create a false feedback loop that keeps you hoping.

So, how do you break this cycle? You need to step away from the words and start really examining the actions. Let go of what the person has been saying to you. Instead, really ask yourself what has changed? What actions has the other person taken to create change? Do they say they will work on something and it gets better for a little while, but then returns to baseline? Take the time to examine the pattern attached to actions rather than what words are being said about the problem.

Another thing to look out for is getting caught up in trying to do the work for the other person.

Here are some examples of how this might look:

-            Reading books or articles about the other person’s issue and trying to educate them about it (yet they aren’t taking the initiative to do this themselves)

-            Reading information on how to cope with what is happening, since the other person doesn’t seem to be changing anything

-            Over-accommodating or adjusting your own behavior in order to be less affected by what they are doing

-            Creating systems or plans for change and then presenting them to the other person when it is not your problem

-            Looking up and scheduling therapy for them (trust me, if they’re not taking the initiative to do this themselves, then they’re likely going to go to those sessions and talk about any random thing other than the actual problem)

You can feel so helpless when you try and try to communicate something in every way possible to someone, they say they get it and will work on it, and then nothing sticks. In an attempt to focus back on what you can control (your own behavior), it can lead to over-adjusting in order to accommodate to what is happening and to try and be less affected by it. This will not work long-term though. You can only fool yourself for so long. If you are affected by something enough that you have desperately tried to communicate about it in every way you can think of, then eventually, the impact of continuing to deal with that will start leaking out.

When Its Not Your Job To Do Their Growth, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

Let’s break this down into some reflective questions you can ask yourself:

1.       What are the words I have been saying and what has my partner been saying? Have I been clear with them?

2.       What are the actual actions that have happened, and are they temporary changes or is sustained change happening?

3.       Is my partner taking initiative to do their own work or am I having to lead them, bit by bit, to get anything done?

4.       Am I spending more time and effort trying to solve their problem than they actually are? Make a list of what action steps they have taken on their own and what actions steps you have done.

5.       What are their actions showing you that they actually prioritize in their life?

Use these questions to try and step outside the pattern of the conversations and to really examine what is happening on an action/behavior change level. You will either get confirmation that your partner is doing their own work and there is reasonable hope for change, or you might have a realization that you have been doing all the work to create a sense that change is possible, but it is a false feeling. How to handle this then becomes its own question, but at least you are tackling that from a place of clarity now.