Finding Your Own Closure: Part 1

I think that we somehow all get the message while growing up that other people are

supposed to help give us closure. That having a conversation or learning about missing

answers to questions is going to somehow provide that elusive closure. In most

situations though, people walk away without answering all of the questions, people do

things that make no sense, and people just quit communicating. No matter how much

information you might try to get out of your ex-partner, that will not lead to feelings of

peace and closure. Add to that the fact that if your ex lied to you during the relationship,

then you definitely can’t rely on whatever answers you get from them. So, by all means,

go ahead and ask the questions and see if some of the information you get helps, but it

is also critical to find ways to give yourself closure, and that is what we are going to

focus on today.

Part 1 of this blog series is centered around the aspect of closure that involves all of the

things you wish you could say to people- your ex, their friends, their family, etc. Many

people, myself included, experience spiraling thoughts over and over again during a

break-up about what we want to say to various people. One of the hardest things is

feeling misunderstood by others. The things we wish we could say to them spin through

our minds, and in those mental versions, we don’t get interrupted and we finally are

heard. In real life, you may have already said the things and it didn’t matter, you may not

be able to say the things because you are afraid of retaliation or have to remain

cooperative, you may not have access to say certain things to your ex’s friends or

family, or saying anything at all may just be pointless and a waste of your energy.

However, our brains want the experience of getting to have our voices heard. We crave

that as part of closure and that is a perfectly normal wish.

When people try to have these actual conversations with those involved, they often

report feeling even more upset afterwards or having even more unanswered questions.

That is why finding a way to close this thought loop on your own is such an important

part of the process. We are going to focus on one very effective strategy for doing this.

There is a reason that there are memes and songs referencing therapists asking their

clients to write letters they will never send to people. It works. It provides a channel that

the brain is craving and helps to eventually provide that closure. Think of this as a living

letter that you will never send, but always have available to add to.

Finding Your Own Closure: Part 1, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

The end of my marriage happened overnight. I got confirmation of all of the infidelity,

moved out in the next 24 hours, and had one final conversation with my ex-husband to

try and get answers. That was it. There was no more communication after that. I made

that decision. Once I realized the extensiveness of the lies and manipulation, I realized

there was no point in ever communicating with him again. The rest of the process

happened through attorneys and my sister acting as a liaison. I felt sure of this decision

at the time, and I still do, but that didn’t change the fact that my brain was screaming

things over and over again that I wanted to say. It didn’t matter how many times I

thought about it all, my brain just kept replaying the same things over and over again.

So, I started a letter to him that I knew I would never send. I wrote in it multiple times a

day at first. Sometimes, I added to it during my lunch break at work so that I could clear

my mind. I wrote in it anytime my brain started spinning on something I wished I could

say. I added to it for a long time, but eventually, I needed to do this less. The thoughts

came farther apart. I started to feel like I had said what I needed to. It also helped to

read this letter to myself sometimes. That serves as a way of further processing

everything that you are going through. Don’t worry if you are repeating yourself in the

letter and saying the same things 100 different ways. That is okay. The point is to satisfy

the part of yourself that is craving the closure of being able to say what you need to.

So, give it a try. Start the letter. Write down all of the questions you wish you could ask.

Write down everything you wish you could say. Cuss. Rage. Say goodbye. Give yourself

permission to be uninhibited. Do this for yourself and add to it as often as you need to.

Eventually, you will start to feel more internal peace. You will feel more grounded and

the need to keep writing will start to slow down. This living document will be there with

you for holidays, anniversaries, and anything that might get your brain spinning again.

Pull it back out and keep adding to it. One day you won’t need to anymore. Trust

yourself to give you the closure that you need and don’t put that power in anyone else’s

hands. You’ve got this.