Coping Mechanisms For When You Feel Stuck in Emotions or Thoughts

As a psychologist, I am trained in how to think about the triangle that includes emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Of these three factors, our emotions are what we have the least control over. We feel what we feel. Emotions come up in a very automatic way and can be connected both to present circumstances and also to past experiences that you may not even be consciously aware are playing a role right then. When it comes to emotions, one of the best courses of action is to accept them. Don’t shame yourself for the emotions you are feeling, and try to understand that emotions are not mutually exclusive. We can feel a variety of conflicting emotions about the same thing and they can all be valid. Accepting your emotions can be as simple as identifying what you are feeling and letting it wash over you for a few minutes. Acknowledge it without immediately trying to distract or suppress.

But what do you do during times when you have accepted your emotions, but maybe you still feel stuck in them? Maybe you feel stuck in anger, anxiety, or sadness. You’re thinking, “Okay, I have accepted these damned emotions, but they still aren’t fun to feel stuck in and they are impacting my whole day, so now what?” The answer to that question can fall under two broad categories. You can work on your thoughts or you can tackle the issue through your behaviors.

Let’s start with the thoughts option. Your initial thoughts that seem to pop up immediately about something are called automatic thoughts. These often happen so fast that we have very little control over them. They are what they are and they are informed from things like past experiences, messages from other people and society, etc. We can develop awareness of this layer, but where we have more control is over what I think of as the second layer of thoughts, or how we reframe our thoughts. Later in this blog, I am going to walk you through an example that happened to me today so that you can get a better idea of what I mean.

Sometimes, no matter how aware of your thoughts you are and no matter how much you try to reframe them in a healthy way, you still just feel stuck. The mood and the thought patterns just seem to be swirling around you and you can’t seem to shake it off. You might find the frustration at the situation building. This is when it is a good time to turn towards the option of trying something behavioral. This can be harder than it sounds though, because often when we feel stuck in our thoughts or emotions, we have a tendency to want to just sit in a nest of distress on the couch. Trying something behavioral involves snapping out of that even when our minds might be resisting doing something different. In psychology, the term for this is behavioral activation. This simply means doing something behaviorally that you may not feel like doing, but that will end up having a positive impact on your mood and thoughts. Some examples of behavioral activation include: taking a walk, going to the gym, getting up and dancing to a song in your living room, taking a shower or bath while listening to a good podcast or music, calling up a friend, checking a task off your To Do list that you know will make you feel accomplished, doing a craft, playing with a beloved pet, etc. Often trying to shift into behavioral activation can feel annoying and pointless, but once you get started on the activity, you notice your mood and even the way you are thinking about things beginning to change. When trying to think your way out of a spiral isn’t enough, you can literally behave your way out of it.

Coping Mechanisms For When You Feel Stuck in Emotions or Thoughts, Rain Into Rainbows LLC

Let’s go through an example that happened to me today. I woke up today looking forward to catching up on a bunch of administrative work in my sweat pants while drinking my tea. Then, things just started going wrong. My neighbor was having plumbing work done that happened to be very loud. I rallied and turned on some music. Then a series of frustrating things started happening. They were the kinds of things that involve making multiple frustrating phone calls and then still not getting anywhere. Just bureaucratic bullshit types of things. Anyway, I still rallied after the first series of things. I noticed that I was feeling frustrated and resentful of how much time I was having to spend on this stuff versus what I really needed to get done today. I was understanding with myself about those feelings. I recognized though that continually thinking about “how much bullshit this was,” wasn’t actually helping my mood. Thoughts like that were only giving the situation more power to negatively impact my day. I reframed my thoughts and reminded myself that the situation was temporary and would eventually get resolved. I told myself that I had done all I could for the moment and that I would feel better if I switched gears and started working on something else. I did that, only to get an email about a different issue that was highly stressful and also couldn’t be resolved quickly. The first few things I did to try and resolve the issue led to dead ends. Now, I not only felt frustrated and resentful, but I also felt defeated and anxious. What if these things actually didn’t get resolved in a positive way? What if I continued to have to deal with these frustrations for the next several weeks? Then my thoughts really spiraled and I started questioning past decisions and worrying about the future.

This was the point at which I realized that trying to reframe things just wasn’t working anymore. The emotions felt too strong and my thoughts would just spin in circles when I would try to hang onto reframes that felt more balanced. I realized that I had a choice: I could either stay stuck in this pattern for the rest of the evening, or I could make one other attempt at breaking out of it. I wasn’t sure yet what I was going to do because the truth was that I felt like wallowing in my frustration and doing nothing. I knew that staying on the couch would just become a cage of distress for me though, so the first thing I did was to stand up. I started walking around my living room while I decided what to do. I felt victorious that I had at least set the stupid laptop down and gotten off the couch (sometimes it’s the small victories). I made the decision to go to the gym and walk the track while I listened to a podcast. I didn’t feel like I had the patience for a workout class and that would have required me to wait for a certain time. I did feel like I could walk the track though; that felt more like a low commitment option, which was appealing in my current frame of mind. If it sucked, I could leave after 5 minutes. I keep a packed gym bag in my car for moments like this, when I know that if I also have to make the decision to go put on my gym clothes then that might just be the thing that derails me. I left the house in my sweats and drove straight to the gym. Once there, it was easier to change into my gym clothes and decide which podcast sounded appealing. I then ended up walking the track for an hour while I listened to an interesting subject. By the time I left the gym, I felt a lot better emotionally. It still had been a frustrating day and I was still disappointed that I hadn’t gotten to work on what I had originally planned, but I no longer felt defeated and anxious. My thoughts had also shifted back to being able to ground myself in the fact that these situations would eventually be temporary and that I had done all I could for today. I also felt proud of myself for making a behavioral choice that I could control. I couldn’t control the random situations that led to my distress, but I could control taking that one step to get off the couch, which led to other steps that helped me to climb out of the spiral.

So, next time you feel stuck in difficult emotions or a tricky thought spiral, remind yourself of these steps:

1.       Notice what you are feeling and be accepting of your emotions even if some of them conflict with each other

2.       Take note of what your automatic thoughts are saying and then work on reframing your thoughts into ones that feel more reassuring and grounding. Focus on thoughts that remind you of what you can control and that you can trust yourself to eventually navigate the situation. Remind yourself of what your tools and supports are.

3.       If you still feel stuck, make one tiny movement to literally shift yourself in a different direction. If you are laying or sitting, stand up. If you are already standing, walk into a different room. Pick a behavior that you know has made you feel better in the past, and even though you likely won’t feel like doing it in that very moment, take a step towards it anyway. Tell yourself that if it sucks, then you can stop after 10 minutes.

4.       Take note of how you feel after engaging in the behavior. Notice if your emotions feel a little different, or if they mostly feel the same, do they even feel somewhat less overwhelming or intense? Notice if your thoughts about the situation are at all different. And if you do notice any positive shifts in your thoughts and emotions, take a moment to remind your future self that this worked. That might make it easier to engage in this same behavior next time something happens where you feel stuck.

These moments happen to all of us. I am a clinical psychologist and part of my job involves frequently walking people through things like this all the time. Yet, it still happens to me too. I have to remind myself of what the tools are too. So, have compassion for yourself and know that you are not alone in struggling to deal with these moments.